Survivor Crap and 40

Well, I was talking to a friend today saying, "I've done it. I've started reading survivor blogs."

"Merry Freakin Christmas," she said, "Huh?"

"Yup."

Long before I decided to be a parent I thought long and hard about my abilities in this area. I was nervous and afraid. I had not been parented well. My parents were teens when they had children and not the responsible type of teens either. When my father walked he only took the booze with him.

Well, I've done lots of "work" on myself over the years. Lots! And I'm grateful for EVERY bit of it now that I am a parent. And I was warned, that parenting could and might be triggering. Parenting can bring up, remind, push buttons and it has done so at times. Mercifully though, I've found parenting more rewarding, meaningful and satisfying than I anticipated. And, to my delight, I didn't s-ck as much as I thought I would.

However, it's hard work! At four, my daughter wants and deserves a good deal of affection and attention, wants to play baby by sitting on my lap for an hour when she wakes, wants to be held and hugged, and that's just her being a kid on a pretty regular day. Kids, little growing beings, need care, attention and awareness. Even their moods don't make sense to them and giving words to moods and feelings and showing ways to express anger that don't involve breaking a toe by kicking a really hard inanimate object... it's all stuff that doesn't necessarily come naturally...

I I spent a good deal of time making sure I could be financially self-sufficient, could live alone, drive at night, face my fears and while I didn't to enjoy having fears I wasn't going to let them stop me from doing business trips or whatever I figured I "should" be able to do had I had a relatively normal life.

And yet, here's me, at 40, grieving because, and I do know this already, but I REALLY REALLY REALLY KNOW IT - my mother, though incredible in many areas, is not particularly well-suited to mothering me. I do not have a father. My former in-laws have passed away. It makes me sad that we don't have more of a traditional family. And also guilty because i DO HAVE so much and so many blessings! I have a spouse, a family of my own that I cherish, a cute little house that we can afford, creative work, the ability to stay home and the knowledge that I can return to work. More important, I have empathy and compassion, I love and care about others and I'm a person who can be relied on.

And I have had, in and out of my family, people who have mothered and nurtured me and helped me grow into the type of person I have become.

I know my mother is who she is for all of her limits and her faults. And she has solid and good traits too. She has done many wonderful things in her life, things that make me feel proud of her. How can I accept, and really accept who she is and who she isn't without feeling like I'm neglecting my own deepest self. I get that she did the best she could with what she had. I also get that it was not near enough and many parts of my life have been difficult (some times more than others) as a result.

Sometimes I feel 100% survivor who happens to have these other parts in my life. Other times I box up all the healing books and can't even find them because I haven't looked at them in so long.

Today, the books are out and I'm ready survivor blogs. Argh... Argh... Argh... Merry F'n Christmas...