I was at the hair dresser with my daughter on Friday. Kai was getting a trim as was I. Kai was talking about my surprise b-day bash and staying at a hotel. Anyhow, I talked about the wonderful event my husband planned for me for my 40th and heard this... "You look great for 40!"
I've said that very sentence when I was in my 20's. But, now that I actually AM 40 it wasn't quite the compliment I too had thought it to be. It's like saying, "you don't look near what you actually are." Because, when it ain't all about looks but about health and mortality that sentence is not exactly a healing balm.
I was jokingly going to say, "you look really old for your 20's. you are in your 20's right?" but decided that I should probably at least act mature with someone who has scissors so close to my head and so close to my daughter's head.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
For 40
"You look great for 40!" That's what the hairdresser said to me after I talked about the bash my sweetie planned for my birthday.
I've said that very sentence when I was in my 20's. But, now that I actually AM 40 it wasn't quite the compliment I had thought it to be. It's like saying, "you don't look near what you actually are." Because, when it ain't all about looks but about health and mortality that sentence is not exactly a healing balm.
I was jokingly going to say, "you look really old for your 20's" but decided that I should act mature with someone who has scissors so close to my head. Especially now that I'm 40.
I've said that very sentence when I was in my 20's. But, now that I actually AM 40 it wasn't quite the compliment I had thought it to be. It's like saying, "you don't look near what you actually are." Because, when it ain't all about looks but about health and mortality that sentence is not exactly a healing balm.
I was jokingly going to say, "you look really old for your 20's" but decided that I should act mature with someone who has scissors so close to my head. Especially now that I'm 40.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Survivor Crap and 40
Well, I was talking to a friend today saying, "I've done it. I've started reading survivor blogs."
"Merry Freakin Christmas," she said, "Huh?"
"Yup."
Long before I decided to be a parent I thought long and hard about my abilities in this area. I was nervous and afraid. I had not been parented well. My parents were teens when they had children and not the responsible type of teens either. When my father walked he only took the booze with him.
Well, I've done lots of "work" on myself over the years. Lots! And I'm grateful for EVERY bit of it now that I am a parent. And I was warned, that parenting could and might be triggering. Parenting can bring up, remind, push buttons and it has done so at times. Mercifully though, I've found parenting more rewarding, meaningful and satisfying than I anticipated. And, to my delight, I didn't s-ck as much as I thought I would.
However, it's hard work! At four, my daughter wants and deserves a good deal of affection and attention, wants to play baby by sitting on my lap for an hour when she wakes, wants to be held and hugged, and that's just her being a kid on a pretty regular day. Kids, little growing beings, need care, attention and awareness. Even their moods don't make sense to them and giving words to moods and feelings and showing ways to express anger that don't involve breaking a toe by kicking a really hard inanimate object... it's all stuff that doesn't necessarily come naturally...
I I spent a good deal of time making sure I could be financially self-sufficient, could live alone, drive at night, face my fears and while I didn't to enjoy having fears I wasn't going to let them stop me from doing business trips or whatever I figured I "should" be able to do had I had a relatively normal life.
And yet, here's me, at 40, grieving because, and I do know this already, but I REALLY REALLY REALLY KNOW IT - my mother, though incredible in many areas, is not particularly well-suited to mothering me. I do not have a father. My former in-laws have passed away. It makes me sad that we don't have more of a traditional family. And also guilty because i DO HAVE so much and so many blessings! I have a spouse, a family of my own that I cherish, a cute little house that we can afford, creative work, the ability to stay home and the knowledge that I can return to work. More important, I have empathy and compassion, I love and care about others and I'm a person who can be relied on.
And I have had, in and out of my family, people who have mothered and nurtured me and helped me grow into the type of person I have become.
I know my mother is who she is for all of her limits and her faults. And she has solid and good traits too. She has done many wonderful things in her life, things that make me feel proud of her. How can I accept, and really accept who she is and who she isn't without feeling like I'm neglecting my own deepest self. I get that she did the best she could with what she had. I also get that it was not near enough and many parts of my life have been difficult (some times more than others) as a result.
Sometimes I feel 100% survivor who happens to have these other parts in my life. Other times I box up all the healing books and can't even find them because I haven't looked at them in so long.
Today, the books are out and I'm ready survivor blogs. Argh... Argh... Argh... Merry F'n Christmas...
"Merry Freakin Christmas," she said, "Huh?"
"Yup."
Long before I decided to be a parent I thought long and hard about my abilities in this area. I was nervous and afraid. I had not been parented well. My parents were teens when they had children and not the responsible type of teens either. When my father walked he only took the booze with him.
Well, I've done lots of "work" on myself over the years. Lots! And I'm grateful for EVERY bit of it now that I am a parent. And I was warned, that parenting could and might be triggering. Parenting can bring up, remind, push buttons and it has done so at times. Mercifully though, I've found parenting more rewarding, meaningful and satisfying than I anticipated. And, to my delight, I didn't s-ck as much as I thought I would.
However, it's hard work! At four, my daughter wants and deserves a good deal of affection and attention, wants to play baby by sitting on my lap for an hour when she wakes, wants to be held and hugged, and that's just her being a kid on a pretty regular day. Kids, little growing beings, need care, attention and awareness. Even their moods don't make sense to them and giving words to moods and feelings and showing ways to express anger that don't involve breaking a toe by kicking a really hard inanimate object... it's all stuff that doesn't necessarily come naturally...
I I spent a good deal of time making sure I could be financially self-sufficient, could live alone, drive at night, face my fears and while I didn't to enjoy having fears I wasn't going to let them stop me from doing business trips or whatever I figured I "should" be able to do had I had a relatively normal life.
And yet, here's me, at 40, grieving because, and I do know this already, but I REALLY REALLY REALLY KNOW IT - my mother, though incredible in many areas, is not particularly well-suited to mothering me. I do not have a father. My former in-laws have passed away. It makes me sad that we don't have more of a traditional family. And also guilty because i DO HAVE so much and so many blessings! I have a spouse, a family of my own that I cherish, a cute little house that we can afford, creative work, the ability to stay home and the knowledge that I can return to work. More important, I have empathy and compassion, I love and care about others and I'm a person who can be relied on.
And I have had, in and out of my family, people who have mothered and nurtured me and helped me grow into the type of person I have become.
I know my mother is who she is for all of her limits and her faults. And she has solid and good traits too. She has done many wonderful things in her life, things that make me feel proud of her. How can I accept, and really accept who she is and who she isn't without feeling like I'm neglecting my own deepest self. I get that she did the best she could with what she had. I also get that it was not near enough and many parts of my life have been difficult (some times more than others) as a result.
Sometimes I feel 100% survivor who happens to have these other parts in my life. Other times I box up all the healing books and can't even find them because I haven't looked at them in so long.
Today, the books are out and I'm ready survivor blogs. Argh... Argh... Argh... Merry F'n Christmas...
Sunday, December 10, 2006
I just saw Eve Ensler talking about her new book on t.v. She talked about being a survivor of childhood trauma and about how now, at 52, she's living her life with open insercurity. She was talking about how in childhood we crave security and safety often in the houses of people who abuse. She says, now, as a culture our desire to be safe and secure is making us give away and fight less hard for freedoms.
One woman asked about how to prevent burn-out when helping and fixing and dealing with all these world ills. She said, "I'm not equipped to fix/heal others. But I can be with them." She talked about how surviving violence cracked her open. She can feel and be with and understand suffering even the kind she hasn't experienced personally - she can share and feel it and listen. She said, most people don't need to be fixed or healed they just need to be able to share, be in community and to share their stories.
Someone asked when she is most happy. And again she had a look as if to say, "I don't really do happiness." She talked about wanting to be present, in her body, having her experiences and that in general she's happy but it's not the happy she might have thought. I just turned 40 and am beginning to really get a sense of these concepts in new ways. Very inspiring and encouraging to hear her and sad to learn more about what is happening all voer the world.
I love how she combines, without apology, her personal and political work. It's ALL important, related and critical.
For more about her and her work... here's a link.
http://www.vday.org/contents/vday/aboutvday/eveensler
One woman asked about how to prevent burn-out when helping and fixing and dealing with all these world ills. She said, "I'm not equipped to fix/heal others. But I can be with them." She talked about how surviving violence cracked her open. She can feel and be with and understand suffering even the kind she hasn't experienced personally - she can share and feel it and listen. She said, most people don't need to be fixed or healed they just need to be able to share, be in community and to share their stories.
Someone asked when she is most happy. And again she had a look as if to say, "I don't really do happiness." She talked about wanting to be present, in her body, having her experiences and that in general she's happy but it's not the happy she might have thought. I just turned 40 and am beginning to really get a sense of these concepts in new ways. Very inspiring and encouraging to hear her and sad to learn more about what is happening all voer the world.
I love how she combines, without apology, her personal and political work. It's ALL important, related and critical.
For more about her and her work... here's a link.
http://www.vday.org/contents/vday/aboutvday/eveensler
Monday, December 04, 2006
Projection
What does having a child born and abandoned in China and having a huge box leftover in your living room have to do with each other? On the face of it, nothing. Yet, when my daughter wants to play house in her box, sitting it on the couch and then sitting inside of it herself - i can't help but wonder about her first few days... cliches and realities about babies left in baskets and boxes for strangers to find are not "stories' as in fiction but life stories for some.
So, her fun living room play takes me away to a moment in her earliest life that I will never know. It's fine, a voluntary trip I can take and come back from, in my mind. But, as someone who has never met my own biological father, I wonder about the future young woman who is now my little girl and the things and moments and times her mind or heart or spirit will flee for a moment and attach itself to something innocent, a box, and I ache a little.
How to prepare for those moments which she may not even voice or express but which might catch her for a moment the way I was caught today, but deeper... no answers. Too many no answers in parenting...
She said today, I am only going to love you and Daddy. I said, "We love you too but I hope you meet lots of people you will love." She said, "I'm only going to love people who love me." There's was some sadness and some wisdom in those words.
So, her fun living room play takes me away to a moment in her earliest life that I will never know. It's fine, a voluntary trip I can take and come back from, in my mind. But, as someone who has never met my own biological father, I wonder about the future young woman who is now my little girl and the things and moments and times her mind or heart or spirit will flee for a moment and attach itself to something innocent, a box, and I ache a little.
How to prepare for those moments which she may not even voice or express but which might catch her for a moment the way I was caught today, but deeper... no answers. Too many no answers in parenting...
She said today, I am only going to love you and Daddy. I said, "We love you too but I hope you meet lots of people you will love." She said, "I'm only going to love people who love me." There's was some sadness and some wisdom in those words.
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